Under the Influence
by drakien
Summary: Hermione is trying to get to the bottom of a mystery...without killing anyone.


Title: Under the Influence

Rating: T-ish...probably more like K+

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, I just enjoy playing with them.

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The bang of the door hitting the wall made everyone in the room jump. Almost immediately thereafter, the wild-eyed witch storming into the room with sparks coming out of her wand made them cringe.

"Alright, I'm _so_ over this," Hermione Granger seethed. "Something's going on, and I want to know what!"

The three women who were the focus of her apparent ire looked at her blankly.

Hermione started to pace as she ranted.

"Friday night, we had the Leaving Feast. I consumed a ridiculous amount of food, yet I found myself wanting to order Chinese as I walked back to my quarters."

"For breakfast on Saturday, I ate an entire pound of bacon. A _pound_. Of _bacon_. And three eggs. And a pint of mint ice cream. Not two hours later, I was spreading at least two centimeters of cream cheese on white bread, and then pouring a jar of Spanish olives on top.

For dinner that night, I consumed an entire tub of crumbled feta with a spoon while cooking a dinner of lima beans, served in a ratio where the butter/salt was ALMOST more than the limas themselves, followed by a half-pound of toffee.

"At midnight, that same night, powers beyond my control decided that I needed popcorn RIGHT THIS INSTANT. And orange juice. And two slices of processed cheese. I didn't want to get my fingers dirty, because I figured since I was awake I might as well get some work done, so I ate the popcorn by sticking my FACE in the BOWL. With no hesitation or shame.

"This morning, I became aware of my surroundings and realized that I was standing on the kitchen counter in my flat, scrubbing the ceiling. Then I pulled an entire block of cheddar cheese out of the fridge and ate it. All of it. No knives, no cutting. Just held the whole thing in my hand and gnawed on it. The broom fell over, and I started to cry."

She drew a deep breath.

"In the course of two days, I'm up two trouser sizes, most likely from bloating due to all of the sodding salt I've been inhaling, and if I don't get a bloody curry within the next hour, I will not be held accountable for my actions!"

The men in the room, who had been very quiet and stayed perfectly still in the hopes that they wouldn't be noticed, now shot incredulous glances at Snape. He just shrugged; after 7 years of marriage, he was well accustomed to his wife's erratic eating habits that usually appeared at a certain time in the month.

Hermione was still glaring at the women.

"I'm only going to ask this one time…which one of you heifers is pregnant?"

There was a pause, then Luna tentatively (and bravely) raised her hand.

Hermione let out an unholy scream and turned to stalk out of the room. Before she slammed it behind her, she stopped and turned around.

"Congratulations, Luna!" she said brightly, then turned to the other two women. "Ginny, Lavender, Floo me in a few days…we've got to start planning the baby shower!"

The door closed behind her with an unassuming 'click', completely at odds with the noise it had made when she'd entered.

Everyone just stared at the door, not really sure what to say.

Severus was the one who broke the silence as he stood.

"Well, as lovely as this visit has been, I believe I have to be going."

Ginny recovered first. "Professor?"

He glanced at the door, and while there was a sort of gentle fondness in the look, as though his wife were still standing there, he also looked like a man on his way to the gallows.

"Indeed, Mrs. Malfoy," Snape replied. "I believe I have…" he looked at his watch, "fifty-three minutes to fetch my wife a curry." He smirked when they gaped, clearly taken aback at the thought of their evil potions professor, former-Death-Eater-cum-Order-of-Merlin-recipient, 'fetching' anything for anyone.

"Mrs. Potter," he said, addressing Luna, "May I offer my congratulations as well." He turned to the other men in the room, who had clearly never experienced a wildly hormonal witch.

"Mr. Potter, Mr. Weasley, Mr. Malfoy…" he tipped his head to indicate the other women. "Good luck."

He strode from the room, amused by their questioning (and terrified) expressions. They would find out soon enough.

* * *

_A/N: I suppose I have to explain this, just a little bit. Each of the examples of Hermione's "crazy" were based on my own personal hormonal experiences. Yes, I stuck my face in a popcorn bowl, so I could use my laptop without getting the keys icky. Yes, I did go from a size 8 to a 12 in two days. I had to borrow pants from my mom. I have scrubbed the ceiling in my kitchen. All of these adventures have been due to outside hormonal influences. On my own, I'm relatively okay, but I work with 30 other women...and we're all on the same 'schedule'. We all come close to murder when someone is pregnant (and we usually know, before there is even EPT confirmation). Don't get me started on the insanity last year when one of the women was having twins, or when another one started a hormone replacement therapy thing. -shudder- Anyhow, amusing tales aside, I hope you enjoyed!_


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